Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your pants.
Just used the last of the antiperspirant spray. Roll on tomorrow.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m wondering if the queen pulls the duvet up so you can only see her head, then says “Look Philip i’m a stamp!”.
I saw a bull charging in the field yesterday.
I didn’t even know they used electricity
Charles Darwin wrote a paper about a classmate who wet herself because she was scared of toilets. He called it The Theory of Eva Loo Shun.
I’ve put a little sign on my bird-feeder saying “Warning! May contain nuts” in case any of them have allergies.
I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.
We took the A4.
At certain funerals it’s traditional to play the bagpipes, but only if you’ve been invited, apparently.
I’ve written a novel for frustrated farmers wives.
It’s called ’50 Sheds of Hay’.