Nicholas E Jones

Thats Me

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

I keep telling everyone squirrels just won’t stop attacking and biting me.

They probably think I’m nuts.

I’ve heard the man stealing t-shirts in order of size is still at large.

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can’t remember the lyrics.

I was walking down the road when a man threw a small tin of cash at me. “That’s petty” I thought..

You know you’re middle aged when your shed starts filling up with power tools instead of pornography.

I had an argument with someone today, to put their point across they threw a pair of orthopaedic shoes at me. I now stand corrected.

Psychics. Convince someone you’re channeling their dead grandmother by spitting on a handkerchief and trying to wipe their face.

If you suddenly rearrange the ancient words in this mysterious quote you can make your very own Dan Brown novel.

Bought a lamp stand from IKEA. Assistant asked, ‘If I was putting it up myself’ I said “No, I’m putting it in my lounge’

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