FOOTBALL TIP: You can create your own Wayne Rooney action figure by coating a potato in glue and rolling it across a barber shop floor.

Last night I dreamt that I was a fish. Woke up gutted.

I remember the year my uncle went to prison for forgery. It was around the same time I stopped getting birthday cards from Pamela Anderson.

On the bus. Woman with a baby said ‘Do you mind if I breast feed’ I said ‘No, but don’t suck my nipple too hard’

Mrs Jones asked me what the pile of clothes is doing on the bedroom floor – Told her it’s a dead Jedi

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian “Excuse me, I’m after a book by Shakespeare.” “Which one?”, she replies. “William.”

Tramp asked me for 50p for a sandwich. I said – Let’s see the sandwich first