Make your own piano stool simply by eating a piano.
My Grandad was a steam train enthusiast… in fact, he once got stuck in the engine of one… he was chuffed to bits.
Fool people into thinking you’re a metal detector by pointing at some metal and saying “that’s metal”.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy
Just wondering if Jewish doctors get paid for doing circumcisions, or just get to keep the tips.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Made terrible sandwiches.
The inventor of the USB stick has died they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.
The second highest cause of death worldwide, after heart disease, is Jessica Fletcher checking into the same hotel as you.
I’m quite sore after last night’s curry. I told my friend and he said ‘ring sting?’. Anyway, I called him. He wasn’t remotely interested.