Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then mate.”

I’d advise anybody against pressing the ’emergency stop’ button on a treadmill going at high speed. I just did, and this bloke went flying.

Just answered the front door in my pants. Strange place to have a door, really.

I’ve just started up a webpage to help people with conjunctivitis. It’s a site for sore eyes.

You’re never more than four metres away from someone who makes up false statistics.