My wife wondered if there’d be any long term benefits in getting a crystal ball. I said I’d look into it.
Wearing my ghost hat today, that can only be seen by ghosts. If anyone says “Nice hat” it means they’re a ghost. Actually it is a nice hat.
I keep falling asleep on the train and waking up covered in fur in a zoo and then remembering I’m a gorilla dreaming he’s a man on a train.
If your goldfish isn’t moving and you discover it’s actually a piece of carrot, that could explain why your most recent salad tasted weird.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them…..
If Jim has 50 chocolate bars, and eats 45, what does he have? Diabetes. Jim has diabetes.
I once went to hire a pedal boat, but didn’t want them recording my name and address. No way I’m going in a pedalo file
Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most exclusive pub ever.
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.”
I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then mate.”
I’d advise anybody against pressing the ’emergency stop’ button on a treadmill going at high speed. I just did, and this bloke went flying.