Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then mate.”

I’d advise anybody against pressing the ’emergency stop’ button on a treadmill going at high speed. I just did, and this bloke went flying.

Just answered the front door in my pants. Strange place to have a door, really.

I’ve just started up a webpage to help people with conjunctivitis. It’s a site for sore eyes.

You’re never more than four metres away from someone who makes up false statistics.

To discourage visitors from staying too long over Christmas hang some mistletoe above the toilet.

A man was found dead with a chocolate ball up his bum, police have arrested George Michael they suspect he was careless with a whisper….

If any of you ever get an email from me and the subject is tinned meat. Go ahead and delete it, it’s just SPAM.

‘Don’t move’ I shouted at the man looking thru the estate agents window

You’re right – before you ask – I am psychic