My wife wondered if there’d be any long term benefits in getting a crystal ball. I said I’d look into it.

I keep falling asleep on the train and waking up covered in fur in a zoo and then remembering I’m a gorilla dreaming he’s a man on a train.

If your goldfish isn’t moving and you discover it’s actually a piece of carrot, that could explain why your most recent salad tasted weird.

I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them…..

If Jim has 50 chocolate bars, and eats 45, what does he have? Diabetes. Jim has diabetes.

I once went to hire a pedal boat, but didn’t want them recording my name and address. No way I’m going in a pedalo file

Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most exclusive pub ever.

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then mate.”

I’d advise anybody against pressing the ’emergency stop’ button on a treadmill going at high speed. I just did, and this bloke went flying.