Bought a lamp stand from IKEA. Assistant asked, ‘If I was putting it up myself’ I said “No, I’m putting it in my lounge’
Ikea
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David Hasslehoff
Apparently David Hasslehoff is changing his name to just David Hoff.
He cant be bothered with the hassle.
Parrots
I sell bite guards for aggressive parrots.
It covers the bills.
Bull
I saw a bull charging in the field yesterday.
I didn’t even know they used electricity
Charles Darwin
Charles Darwin wrote a paper about a classmate who wet herself because she was scared of toilets. He called it The Theory of Eva Loo Shun.
Nuts
I’ve put a little sign on my bird-feeder saying “Warning! May contain nuts” in case any of them have allergies.
Robbery
I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.
We took the A4.
Bagpipes
At certain funerals it’s traditional to play the bagpipes, but only if you’ve been invited, apparently.
Farmer
I’ve written a novel for frustrated farmers wives.
It’s called ’50 Sheds of Hay’.
Crystal Ball
My wife wondered if there’d be any long term benefits in getting a crystal ball. I said I’d look into it.
Nicholas E Jones 