‘Don’t move’ I shouted at the man looking thru the estate agents window

You’re right – before you ask – I am psychic

I’ve never been skydiving myself, but I have zoomed in on Google earth really fast.

If you hold the sole of your foot against your ear you can hear the sound of your hip dislocating.

A comb-over is a bit over the top.

My wife said our sons constant wailing is really getting her down. I told her I’d confiscate his harpoon if it doesn’t stop.

FOOTBALL TIP: You can create your own Wayne Rooney action figure by coating a potato in glue and rolling it across a barber shop floor.

Last night I dreamt that I was a fish. Woke up gutted.

I remember the year my uncle went to prison for forgery. It was around the same time I stopped getting birthday cards from Pamela Anderson.

On the bus. Woman with a baby said ‘Do you mind if I breast feed’ I said ‘No, but don’t suck my nipple too hard’