I’ve put a little sign on my bird-feeder saying “Warning! May contain nuts” in case any of them have allergies.

I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.

We took the A4.

At certain funerals it’s traditional to play the bagpipes, but only if you’ve been invited, apparently.

My wife wondered if there’d be any long term benefits in getting a crystal ball. I said I’d look into it.

I keep falling asleep on the train and waking up covered in fur in a zoo and then remembering I’m a gorilla dreaming he’s a man on a train.

If your goldfish isn’t moving and you discover it’s actually a piece of carrot, that could explain why your most recent salad tasted weird.

I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them…..

If Jim has 50 chocolate bars, and eats 45, what does he have? Diabetes. Jim has diabetes.