It’s hard work teaching your pet wasp to dance. I’m beginning to suspect Bruce still doesn’t even realise he’s a pet.
Pet Wasp
1
London landmark
I asked Sean Connery what’s his favourite London landmark. He said, “Shard.” I said, “I know mate, so many, but give it a go.”
Breakfast Cereal
Don’t you just hate it when people pour your cereal. They don’t know how much I want. They don’t know my life. They don’t know what I’ve been through.
Parsnip
Enter a greengrocer’s. Pick up a parsnip and approach the counter. Ask “Excuse me, do you have these in orange?”.
Combat Trousers
After having them for six years and not being involved in any violent conflict, I’ve decided to rename my combat trousers just ‘trousers’.
Van Morrison
Thought I saw Van Morrison go past my window this morning.
Turns out it was just a Morrisons van reversing.
Embarrassing.
Movember
Just reminded my boss that Movember has finished. She’s not impressed.
kung fu fighting
Statistically speaking, not everybody could have been kung fu fighting.
Some people must have been making a casserole or darning a sock.
Dog
My pet peeve is when a blind person sits next to you on the train and their dog tries to read your newspaper.
Soup
At McDonald’s:
“I’ll have a cheeseburger with no soup.”
“We don’t have soup.”
“Good. I said I didn’t want any.”
Nicholas E Jones 